The Loneliness I felt in Motherhood

An excerpt from Laura’s diary… A letter to her now ex-husband that she never had the courage to send…

I wish you could understand how lonely I feel. I know a lot of it is the lack of sleep and the hormones going through me still. But I can honestly say I’ve never felt so complete, yet so alone. Working life was hard and stressful but I saw people every day and had normal chat and banter. Now if I manage to meet up with friends I have to chat In between looking after the boys, and I rarely get into a deep conversation or get to finish one. By the time you get home, you are stressed and tired and don’t want to talk about your day. I don’t either, as I’ll just sound negative. We are both working our asses off for this family in different ways. You work long hours and on top of all that are doing the house up. I know money is a worry for you and you are doing all you can to earn to provide for us.

I hardly get any sleep and try to look after two helpless boys. It might seem easy on the surface and don’t get me wrong, some days can be. But some can be near impossible and push me to breaking point. J is so testing and I feel like it’s personal sometimes. It’s heartbreaking.

The sad thing is that neither of us thanks the other anymore. We seem too tired, stressed, pissed off, and ratty to really appreciate each other. I’m sure we do, but we don’t say it out loud enough. We’re in this together and yet sometimes we appear so far apart.

I’m struggling to be a good mum. I knew it would be hard and I don’t necessarily think I’m failing… But I’m not happy with the person in becoming. I feel defeated some days… Stressed, tired, upset, and above all anxious. Anxious about us. Will we make it through this? Anxious about J… will he forget these stressful times? Why is he having these meltdowns and how can I help him through them? What have I done to create these monstrous moments and why can’t I find a solution? I’m so used to doing corporate work that I am good at, and most of the time know the answers. Being a parent is a different story, there’s no training and no right or wrong way to deal with it. It’s emotionally draining and some days I just can’t hack it. I’ve cried myself to sleep the last 2 nights. I’ve not felt like I’ve been able to come to you and seek comfort. You are stressed enough with work and to be honest, you don’t have the answers. You can’t fix me like you can fix everything else you put your hand to. I think that’s what frustrates you even more. There’s no quick fix.. And this might be a much longer struggle than we thought. I’m learning each day and trying to handle things in different ways. But it’s hard, I feel like I’m wishing weeks away when really we should be enjoying every moment as who knows what could happen to any of us! Life is too short… I keep telling myself that, but it doesn’t pull me out of this loneliness and feeling anxious about everything.

I love you intensely…more than ever, and I love my boys more than I thought possible. But this chapter is so hard and I’m not afraid to admit it. I’m struggling emotionally and physically. We need to take each day as it comes and hope that love for one another and for the boys keeps me together and puts a stop to this lonely bubble I’m in so I don’t trip and get deeper into it. I want to be the best wife and mum possible but I need help to get there.